On Being A Parent
This week I had the privilege of speaking to a friend and fellow Acton leader, Vijay Shah from The Humanist Academy (THA) in Dallas, Texas. It is my opinion that Vijay’s gift is to remain deeply present in every moment and he does so with great warmth, wonder, and positivity. Vijay and I talked about growth and failures and he generously shared a letter he recently wrote to his parent community. He gave me permission to share it with you. His words were just what I needed to hear and maybe just what we all need…I am on Vijay’s boat, and I hope you are too!
Dear Parents,
I know that being a THA parent can be tough. Not only because I am one, but also because there is a lot of ambiguity when you're trying to do something so different from what we're used to and how we grew up. It's uncomfortable, it's uncharted waters, and parenting was never easy to begin with. One of the biggest challenges as a THA parent is knowing when to step in and when to step back. Even after being a Socratic Guide for the last nine years, I STILL STRUGGLE with this.
There's a constant dialogue in my head: Did I step in too early? Did I rob them of an opportunity to fix something? To build their confidence? To navigate a life lesson? On the other hand, Should I really let them struggle this long? Shouldn't I be there for them in a time of need?
THA and Acton are about "failing cheaply, early, and often." They’re about embracing struggles because struggles provide the best opportunities for growth. As Joseph Campbell reminds us, only after overcoming the "crisis" does the Hero unlock their treasure. So what do you do as a parent when your child is struggling? How long do you step back? When do you step in? A couple of weeks ago, I had the chance to speak with Jake, the new head of the Acton Network, and he shared something powerful about the role of parents at Acton.
But first, some context: in case you didn’t know, for Acton Owners and school directors across the network, the most challenging aspect of running a school isn’t the children—it’s the adults. Let me pause and say this: it’s not your fault. We love our kids, perhaps more than anything else in the world, and we would do anything for them. Sometimes though, that attachment can blind us to their faults or prevent us from looking at situations objectively.
Back to my conversation with Jake. We had a wonderful dialogue about some new initiatives and the future of the 300+ school Acton network. Then, inevitably, the "dealing with parents," conversation came up. We both acknowledged how much we’ve learned from Jeff Sandefer when it comes to working with parents. The way I understand it, Jeff’s approach has always been to keep parents at a distance—equipping them with materials and tools (like the parent drive) while allowing learners to shine with minimal adult interference. Parents must attend three mandatory meetings, optional Coffee Chats, Journey Conferences, and six exhibitions..that’s about it.
I took this approach seriously, especially in our early years, and I think it has saved us a lot of time and energy. I’m grateful to Jeff for his wisdom and to all of you here at THA for trusting the process, trusting your learners, and allowing them to struggle and grow. Your tolerance and patience is incredible.
At the same time, as I continue to engage with parents, handle Warrior incidents, field questions about the academics or social challenges, or the vision for LP [LaunchPad /High School] or AS [Adventure Studio/Middle School]… I can’t help but think of the proverb: "It takes a village to raise a child." We are that village. Jake shared a similar sentiment that day. He said maybe we need to shift the messaging a little. Instead of "keep parents at a distance," how about:"We're all on the same team…?”
Here at THA, we’ve worked hard to build a family-like environment, assuring parents that we are on the same team while also challenging you to do the inner work—complete a family badge and be on your own Hero’s Journey. Please don't get me wrong. After speaking with hundreds of other Acton owners, I can confidently say that here at THA we have the best parents we could ask for. I'm not pampering you. For every difficult parent incident, I have fifty other thoughtful, gracious, and compassionate ones. THA parents are thoughtful, empathetic, helpful, and grateful. You consistently try to see things from the other perspective and stay objective even when it's so hard. We could not have built what we have without your support. "What are the odds the gods put us all in one spot?”
So on behalf of the guides and the THA Board, let me just affirm this sentiment with you clearly: We ARE on the same team. So what does that mean in execution? That means if your Warrior is struggling—especially if it’s been going on for a long time or the situation is particularly intense—don’t hesitate to reach out. Instead of sending an angry email filled with blame (which, honestly, we hardly ever get), here's a prompt that might help you (and we've gotten several ones like this over the years):
"Hey, ________has been really upset over the last few days about _________. I spoke to him/her and encouraged her to use the systems in place, and if that didn’t work, to talk to the Guides about it. I just wanted to put it on your radar. If she does end up asking for an IP or a peace conversation, she might need you to be there for that, not to solve it, but for support. Can you keep this on your radar?”
This is absolutely okay. Please don’t hesitate. If it gets overwhelming for us, we'll let you know. Guides will not rescue (if we do our job right). Guides will not resolve conflicts for them or take away powerful moments for growth. But Guides will be there to guide. And I will be too. After all, we are on the same team. Yes, we are all swimming in the uncharted waters of parenting, and we're exploring an unknown ocean that is the Acton experiment. It is beautiful because it's messy. Glad to be on the same boat with you all.
-Vijay